someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
😅🤣😂
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently