Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.