Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
pelicons
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police