*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure