I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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#ParentingFacts
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is