I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.