The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No