After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
At least try to make it slightly believable