astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
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ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Great Canadian literature.