*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”