Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Same pineapple, same
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?