When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE