More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
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windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*