Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Looking at you, Jesus.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.