Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.