Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.