Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
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You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*