I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
do what now??
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”