Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you