Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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smh
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity