I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
You Might Also Like
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”