I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.