Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
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“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
There’s never enough good news
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Fluff me with a fork baby
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
#SuperBowl
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.