[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Schrödinger’s cookie
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Jail
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Botany good plants lately?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds