Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
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*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
We avoided this particular disaster
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)