*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
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Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
☠️☠️☠️
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.