@Petote

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

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@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

@kimtopher22

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

@UnFitz

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

@toastymoe

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

@TheToddWilliams

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

@squirrel74wkgn

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

@girlnarly

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.