@ObscureGent Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
@Petote *hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
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@ObscureGent 
@kimtopher22 Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
@UnFitz “Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
@toastymoe It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
@TheToddWilliams “As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
@squirrel74wkgn My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
@girlnarly [first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
@SheMightHave *Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
@josephknuckles this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
@WittySassBasket I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend