My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
what?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.