Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.