Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
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I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Sharon, call the vet
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
You’ll be OK
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill