My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
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14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Why is everyone getting married at me
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb