Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
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They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”