The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
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*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!