Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
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The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”
Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
love it when they get my name right
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.