Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger