I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Boom, boom, ching!
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong