Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
You Might Also Like
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.