[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
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Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?