Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
wishing you and yours all the best
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!