My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Lucky old June.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe