Lucky old June.
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I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen