@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
@jonnysun a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@cuntifer Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
@ceejoyner A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
@XplodingUnicorn I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
@thepunningman Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
@envydatropic *Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
@Kyle_Raney DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
@MariyaAlexander I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
@iLikeCatShirts Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
@VerbsRProudest Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.