A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I didn’t come here to be called names
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.