getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension