The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
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I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.