“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
You Might Also Like
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Dammit Chief not again
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone