Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
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The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Plant care tips
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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5- sweat