Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Vodka burrito was a success
Ok but actually
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday