Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
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This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Bike for sale
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.