Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
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*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.