I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
wow
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore