my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.