My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.